


two, at-the-moment sober guys

by Diary



Category: Scandal (TV), The X-Files
Genre: A Diner, Conversations, Gen, Queer Alex Krycek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:22:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23823010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diary/pseuds/Diary
Summary: Ex-Syndicate member and ex-B613 agent meet weekly in a diner. Complete.
Kudos: 1





	two, at-the-moment sober guys

Alex Krycek carefully pours sugar into his tea. “You know, that cute little waitress,” stirring the tea, he briefly pops the spoon into his mouth, “she thinks me and you are likely AA, NA, two, at-the-moment sober guys struggling with some sort of addiction. If we’re about to have a reckoning, what do you say we get her out of here, first?”

Eyes widened, Tom Larsen looks up from the fries he was pushing around on his plate.

“I didn’t say I was about to cause one,” Alex continues. Sticking a fork in his burger, he begins cutting it. “But there’s quiet, and then, there’s you looking like I haven’t seen you since your President was shot.”

“He was a better choice than who Cancerman wanted,” Tom quietly says.

Shrugging, Alex takes a bite of the burger. “‘Was’ or ‘is’?”

“It doesn’t matter, anymore.” Tom begins cutting his fish. “I- Have you ever been stupid with someone you knew was bad news?”

Alex is quiet for a moment. “Have you met many people who you haven’t known are bad news? That’s what we do. We make choices, often bad ones, stupid ones, and we hope that they’re just a little smarter, a little good, maybe, than the other person’s.”

“It’s no secret Command hates President Grant being with his daughter. I’ve never really understood, not them being together, not him hating it so much. But-” Frowning, Tom takes several bites.

Looking at him, a small smile crosses Alex’s face. “Hey. If you’ve met someone, someone you genuinely like, I’m not going to automatically take the view this will be some big complication. Maybe, you shouldn’t either. Civilian or somewhere in our line of work?”

“Someone in the government, someone who knows a lot but doesn’t know about what all there is besides Command’s division, hired me to do some freelance work. I slept with them. It wasn’t part of the job. I wanted to, but if I’d been a little smarter, I wouldn’t have.”

“Why not?”

Tom looks down at his own cup of tea. “The Navy had certain very clear-cut rules about what conduct was becoming of an officer.”

“In 1995, on-paper, the FBI was a little better. Are we going to dance around this? I’ve wondered if you’re gay before. It doesn’t matter to me. I know I’m not your type, and well, I wouldn’t say you’re not completely not my type, but no. Talk about stupid, I fell in love back when I was in the FBI, and I’ve never quite gotten over him.”

Jerking his head back up, Tom stares.

Rolling his eyes, Alex dips a fry in ketchup. “I was glad the day DADT was repealed, but in normal everyday life, I tend to think it’s a pretty good social rule. ‘Bisexual’ is probably the right word, though, apparently, there’s something called pansexuality now. Doesn’t matter.”

He swallows. “Are you afraid of hurting him or him hurting you? In my case, aside from the fact he’s straight, the things I did that forced me to leave the FBI played a big part in the fact I now have to break into his apartment if I need him to listen to me about matters of security.”

Glancing over at a nearby server cleaning a table, Tom chuckles.

Alex smiles back.

Going back to his food, Tom says, “I don’t think I could hurt him. He was married. Carjacker named Ballard took his husband, left him with their little girl.”

“Huh. Are you afraid of him hurting you, then?”

“It’s a possibility. I- always respected him. Working under him is different than what I did for Command in so many different ways.”

“And uh, this carjacker, was he ever caught? Convicted? Has he made as much peace with what happened as possible?”

“Caught, yes. Acquitted,” Tom answers. “Even with all his power, he couldn’t get the verdict he wanted.”

“I don’t think there’s anything I can do to help you. If I could, I would.” Alex glances around. “Because, believe it or not, I do have empathy for your situation.”

“If you could be with this person, would you despite the risk of you or him getting hurt,” Tom asks.

“Yes.”

“You say that so quickly.”

“It’s the same thing I would have said back then, when I first met him. One true thing I’ve always told people is: My parents were Cold War immigrants. They were also horrible people, but hey, you’re not supposed to blame the screwed up things you do, the screwed up person you are, on childhood abuse and trauma.”

“My point,” Alex licks salt off his fingers, “is I went through so many other things that I never got around to learning self-shame. True empathy, the kind that makes people soft and stupid, I probably never learned that, either. The fact is, you and I might meet somewhere outside of this place someday.”

“Hell exists, or it doesn’t. If I could have happiness with someone, I’d take it. It would last, or it wouldn’t. It probably wouldn’t. I do have the self-awareness to know that. But I’d look at it this way: I can hurt by not having the happiness, or I can have happiness, and then, possibly be hurt.”

“But it’s not just you,” Tom says. “They might be happy without you. Even if you can give them some happiness, you always risk exposing them to hurt they wouldn’t experience otherwise.”

“As far as I’m concerned, it is just me. Or I’m the only one who matters in the equation.” Finishing his burger, Alex gives him a soft look. “Your Command taught you that there was no you without the mission. Maybe that’s what certain people tried to teach me, too, I honestly don’t know, but what I discovered a long time ago is: There’s often no mission without me.”

Tom finishes his food. “I’ve come out of being disregarded better than you have.”

Rubbing his prosthetic arm, Alex responds, “Yeah? He didn’t notice the scars on your side?”

Looking down, Tom doesn’t answer.

“My guy’s straight. For all my sins, I’ve never raped someone. Outside of a mission, I’ve also never chased someone romantically, regardless of whether their orientation had a place for men or not. Yours was married to a man. He’s had what I’m assuming was consensual sex with you. There’s a chance he might be willing to have more, maybe even deeper, with you.”

“Yet, here you are, trying to decide whether to let yourself have him or not. Normal people face the dilemma of: ‘Do I take a chance with this person or not’ all the time, but that isn’t what’s really going on with you, is it? You aren’t Command’s anymore. And short of you joining the Syndicate, you’re not going to find anyone to fulfill his role.”

“The Syndicate robbed you of your humanity,” Tom quietly says. “I thought Command had robbed me of mine. Cy- This person, he’s not any better. Just less powerful. But before him, I never had sex just because I thought it might be nice. He drinks coffee, and I’ll watch him, and- It’s a strange thing to be so fond of.”

“I don’t feel robbed,” Alex says. “Of my arm, yeah. Not my humanity.”

“Sorry I haven’t been good company.”

“I wouldn’t say that. I’m sorry I can’t be of more help.”

“This man, if you’d been ordered to kill him, would you?”

Alex takes a sharp breath. “I probably would have tried. Either I got lucky and fell for someone who certain members of the Syndicate had a vested interest in keeping alive, or I chose him because of that. I guess it depends on how much you believe falling in love is a choice.”

“I don’t believe it’s a choice at all.”

Studying him, Alex notes, “It sounds like you’ve made a decision.”

Tom nods. “I have. I hope I’ll be able to tell you about it next week.”

“I hope so, too.”

They get out their wallets, and after they both set down half for the tip, Tom offers his hand. “Alex.”

He shakes it. “Tom. Remember: There are greater things than us in this world.”

“And beyond. I haven’t forgotten. I hope you don’t, either.”

They pick up their bills to leave.


End file.
